I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Our's was hectic, more hectic than usual, but we still had a great time and there were no meltdowns. There is nothing like celebrating baby's first Christmas.

My only wishes for next Christmas are that each of our five Christmas destinations move about 30 miles closer to West Bend and that any get-together consisting of over five people be limited to zero dogs.

Pictures from our Christmas ventures are available in the Gallery. Enjoy.

New Christmas/Brianna Pics

FuzzMartin.com staff writer, Dognutz, goes “all Artest in this Mother…” on skippers, the Jaguar's Jimmy Smith, and a bucket of KFC extra crispy. Read all about it in this week's (months, quarter's) edition of The Dawghaus.

The Dawghaus

I was just sitting here, working in the studio at Midnight, enjoying a CNN Radio newscast on our AM station when I heard this: “The pilot [of an F-22 Raptor] was able to eject safely, however the 120 Million dollar airplane was destroyed.”

Do you really have to tell us that the F-22 was destroyed? Normally when you eject it's because you're about to die. Wouldn't the plane's destruction be a given? I know, you've been waiting to do a story on how the new military jets cost too much but you couldn't find it in you to just run the story, so you waited till one crashed. You wouldn't say “the 80 year old man was killed in the crash, and his 1985 Buick LeSabre was destroyed,” right???

I have another CNN Radio bone to pick. This one is a rehash from a gripe I neglected to post last year. On Christmas 2003, the CNN Radio newscaster said, “today marks the day where some believe that Jesus Christ was supposedly born to the Virgin Mary.” The guy actually said “supposedly.” Enough with the Christian jabs, alright? I don't care what your beliefs are, but don't go trivializing mine on national radio. Jerks.

Garrett O'Reilly (the mortgage grinch) takes a time-out from kicking hapless, non-mortgage paying families out on their collective arses to bring you an exciting, and long-awaited, O'Reilly on Sports.

God Bless Us, everyone.

I have been messing around with Macromedia Flash and Apple's Quicktime to find a good way to put videos of my lovely little daughter, Brianna, on FuzzMartin.com. The problem with quicktime is that it doesn't work on everybody's computer. According to Macromedia, about 96% of all web-surfers have a Flash player installed on their computer. So, I upload the videos with iMovie, add whatever custom options I want, edit the movie down, export it in quicktime, then upload it to Flash. With Flash I install the buttons and create the program to make it run. It's quite simple, actually.

So, here is my first crack at Flash, it's called: Dr. Dre's DJ Training School. Enjoy.

I am sorry for the lack of sports coverage on FUZZMARTIN.COM lately. The job that pays me has been extra taxing the last few months. I realized I have been neglecting my duty to the OOS readers the other day. My little lady said to me, “Do you realize you have missed the entire Packer's season for fuzzmartin.com?” Of course I responded with, nobody was missing much. Talking negatively about the Packers just isn't in my blood. If you can't say anything nice…

But we are reaching the end of 2004. What a year it has been! Let's go through some highlights and lowlights of the year that was: 2004!

Winners and Losers of 2004
Winners:

Boston Sports Fans
First the Patriots win their 2nd Super Bowl in 3 years. Then, as if that wasn't enough, the Red Sox win the World Series. 86 years of despair end for the Sox and their fans. Also, the world did not end afterwards.

Paul Hamm
Nearly eliminated after a vault in which he stumbled and fell right into the judges table, Hamm rallies to win gold. With a nearly perfect display on the high bar, Hamm beat out some dude to win the Olympic Mens Gymnastic All-Around event. Congrats to the man who trained in Waukesha, WI. I watched this live, knowing from the news that Hamm would win, and I still couldn't believe he did it.

Steroids
Steroids had a great year thanks to Balco. First it hit the news with the Olympics and Marion Jones. Now they are attempting to bring down Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi. Go Steroids!

That guy that got pummeled by Artest in the stands
This is the poor sap that was holding his drink when Artest swung at him. If you watch the video in slow motion you can actually see what this guy is thinking.
-Wow, Artest got hit with a cup.
-I'm glad I have my tasty beverage right here.
-Hey! Artest is going after the dude who threw his cup.
-Why is he running right at me.
-Wow, the guy who threw his cup must be sitting right behind me.
-Wait a second, is he coming after me?
-HE IS! OH, sh#t, that hurts. Please don't break my glasses.
I hope this guys takes Artest for a couple million. If I were on the jury in the civil case, I would give him everything.

Peyton Manning
Manning is going to break Marino's record for TD passes in a season. Sadly, he will end his career similar to Marino. No rings and appearing in Jim Carey movies.

Now bring on the Losers:

ESPN
Normally I wouldn't rip on ESPN. But they are starting to get carried away. The monopoly they hold on sports television must end. Stop forcing me to watch Sean Salisbury! Joe Theismann and Paul McGuire must go! I won't even mention Stuart Scott who isn't even talented enough to do sports on BET.
FOX Sports Net, I implore you, please come up with a television show better than Sportscenter. It can't be that hard if the drunken monkeys running ESPN can do it.

ESPN continues to dumb down sports for the “common man”. Hey you idiots, the “common man” knows more about sports than your entire staff. The “eubonics” on your shows must stop. I don't need to hear “BOOYAH” to know it was a great play. Would Al Michaels or Joe Buck ever say that someone was “all up in his mess”? NO, for ESPN to regain its credibility Stuart Scott, Sean Salisbury and Stephen A. Smith must be fired. Heads must roll. All Stephen A. Smith does is yell and spit out rap lyrics. What a joke. Luckily he does mostly NBA crap, so I just turn it off anyway. Does anybody else think this or am I crazy?

Also, there are other teams out there besides the Yankees, Red Sox, Cowboys and Lakers. Try reporting on the rest of the teams in the NBA, NFL and MLB.

NHL
The owners have locked out the players and it looks as if the entire season will be canceled. The NHL obviously missed what happened to MLB and the NBA when their respective seasons were canceled. They recovered, the NHL won't, because it isn't popular enough. So next time you are having a beer with friends, pour some out for the NHL and go see the defending Calder Cup Champion Admirals.

White Sox
Doug Melvin and the Brewers are laughing all the way to Miller Park with the Carlos Lee trade. Suckers! We will miss Scotty Po' but we will quickly forget with Lee in the lineup.

Yankees
Steroids, Jason Giambi and as of now, no Randy Johnson. Oh and they blew a three games to none lead against the Red Sox. Take that Steinbrenner.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone.
Whats on my list?
1) Brewers in the playoffs
2) Favre retiring after one more Super Bowl
3) ESPN hiring me to “fix” their network
4) HDTV becoming standard and affordable to all
5) My bowling average to break 160, I suck

See you next year, OOS

Check out this story on how people are using their Apple iPod for good, rather than listening to devil music. It is quite interesting.

http://www.rsna.org/publications/rsnanews/dec04/ipod-1.html

After monkeying around all last week in attempt to have my transcripts sent to my future college, it is finally finished. I called today and the school has received my high school and college transcripts. I should be ready to start by mid January.

In lieu of student loans I am considering holding a “back to school” party to benefit the Fuzz Martin College Fund… what do you think??? Anyone??? I'd throw a wicked awesome graduation bash after I'm done! Consider donations a trust fund and your liver the future beneficiary.

I know it's late, but I would like a Griffin Radio Shark for Christmas - puh-leeeeeeeeeeassssse!!!! I'm not vain, but I do like to archive my shows - and the Radio Shark is like TiVo for the radio. As a matter of fact, Santa, you might want a Radio Shark so you can listen to “Your Ride Home with Fuzz Martin” when you're in your sleigh.

Patiently waiting for your arrival,
Fuzz

Since there is a good chance that you will not fully understand this story without some background, let me first explain how radio “charts” work. Each radio magazine (Billboard, Radio and Records, Music Row) has a list of “reporters.” Reporters are radio stations that report their playlist to the magazine each week. WBWI is not a reporting station. A song's ranking is determined by a score based on 1.) how many reporting stations play the song, and 2.) how many times the reporting station plays that song per week. Record labels are determined to help their song to #1, since record sales of a #1 single are much better than that of a #50 single. So they make phone calls, ask for favors, and try other methods of getting music directors to play their artists' singles.

Chely Wright has a new single called “The Bumper of my SUV.” The song has a great message, one that she wrote after returning from her brother's camp in Iraq. Upon her return, someone flipped her off because she had a bumper sticker that said “My Brother is a United States Marine.”

Normally it would just be considered a great song, the record company would call and remind everyone what a good song it is and ask that the reporting stations play it. Chely had lost her deal with a major record label some time ago, so she has been working with an independant label - one that went too far.

Chely's label used its fan club to gain support for the single. In a “whatever it takes” campaign, 17 members of the fan club were told to “tell 'em your husband is a marine…” or “tell 'em you're a member of the armed forces.” The fan club members would then call their local reporting radio stations and say “my husband is a marine, it would really make me proud if you played this song…” or “I'm a member of the armed forces, please play this song and show your support for our troops.” If they were actual veterans or service members' spouses there wouldn't have been a problem, but they weren't.

I am not a fan of country singers cashing in on patriotism in the first place, but my initial thought was to excuse this one because Chely's brother is a Marine - these were her real thoughts. It turns out, however, that she was just doing this to put herself back in the spotlight.

Read the whole story, it is a sad tale of deception and greed.

UPDATE: Thanks to Owen at Boots and Sabers and A Texan Broad for the links… and for having common sense.

After the new year I will be converting my articles to the pMachine 'search-engine-friendly' URLs. This will only affect you if you have linked to a specific archived article or its comments. Any broken links will be automatically rerouted to the homepage.

Thanks for the links, btw.

It has been like Christmas around here. If I wrapped up all of the 'gifts' that Marlboro has sent me in 2004, my family surely would be jealous; I'd be opening gifts for like 10 extra minutes. In the last week alone I have received a cigarette butt wallet (for those times when you want to store smelly burnt cigarettes in your pocket) and a deck of playing cards.

I tallied up the retail value on my gifts from Smoky Claus, and it comes out to nearly $40 - excluding shipping fees. That's more than we spent on my sister-in-law. (ummm… just kidding Pooks.)

Most of the following gifts weren't in my letter to Smoky Claus, but he sent them anyway:
1. Zippo Lighter
2. Cookbook
3. CD
4. 2 Free Packs of Cigarettes
5. $10 Visa Gift Card
6. Handy Dandy Burnt Cigarette Wallet
7. Playing Cards
… and countless other 'gifts' which I have inadvertently thrown out.

If he only knew I don't smoke… bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Though her 5 month birthday is still two weeks away, my daughter has taught me a lot about life. I could go on and on about how life has changed for the better and how I wouldn't change it for the world, but right now I want to have a little fun. I have been writing down and making mental notes of different thoughts that have come to mind since I became a father. I have to warn you, some of these thoughts were made with little sleep.

1. My laundry will never be finished - ever.
2. The dishes join the ranks of the laundry.
3. Changing diapers isn't all that bad.
4. Breastmilk tastes sort of sweet.
5. Prune juice tastes sort of disgusting.
6. Rice cereal mixed with breastmilk is both sweet and disgusting.
7. Rice cereal mixed with prune juice is both disgusting and disgusting.
8. I wonder if I have broken Guiness's record for the amount of time spent in a Rocker/Glider yet?
9. I hope that bald spot on the back of her head fills in before she goes to High School.
10. Avent's tri-stage nipples have two stages. Drip and spray.
11. Whoever designed battery covers that can only be opened with a magnifying glass and the world's smallest flathead screwdriver is an idiot.
12. Baby Einstein is freaky.
13. The library rents DVDs - goodbye Blockbuster.
14. First release movies are for newlyweds.
15. My wife and I will finally get some time alone someday, but by then we will have had enough of each other.
16. My left arm will be bigger than my right arm soon.
17. I didn't really want to afford cable tv, anyway.
18. I should be sleeping right now.
19. She should be sleeping right now.
20. Burps only occur in the absense of burp-rags.
21. Adding a rear-facing carseat to an otherwise uncool car renders it completely uncool.
22. Twenty-six isn't really that old, is it?
23. If my 4 month old is in 12 month old clothes now, does that mean she'll be driving when she's 6?
24. I'm quite sure I forgot how to perform simple algebra, geometry, and trig equations - if she asks me for help, she's screwed.
25. How do you get the money, and take her tooth, without waking her up.
26. Anything that makes noise will automatically be attracted to your arms, knees, or feet. You will only notice this phenomenon in the moments just after baby falls asleep. (She'll notice it then, too.)
27. I had something else I wanted to do at 4:15 this morning, anyway.
28. Christmas cards will never cost me less than $90 again - excluding the sitting fee.
29. We used how much water this month???
30. Spit-up will always find a way to land on your crotch - especially in the moments before you leave for work.
31. Sleeping-in is for 20 year olds.
32. There is nothing more humbling than buying prune juice when you're 26 years old (and using your Advantage Card).
33. Ultra-leak-proof diapers are only sorta-leak-proof, and are definitely NOT gastric-explosion-proof.
34. OxyClean really works.
35. Mopping??? Right.
36. If I hear “Mr. Mom” one more time someone will get hurt. Besides, I am really good at stain removal.
37. If I don't say a word at the next family function, nobody will notice.
38. I'll start watching my language once she learns the f-word.
39. Bedtime is now a ritual which includes bouncing, swinging, reading, and a Nuk.
40. It wasn't $90 for a toy piano when I was a kid, was it?

Like I said, having a baby is a blessing - but it sure makes you think new thoughts.

Bob Cahow sent me these photos of the Iraqi National Guard.

Bob Said:

More pics from our first mission, The guy riding the motorcycyle is Iraqi National Guard

This from my friend Amanda Cahow's brother Robb Svoboda, who is also serving with Amanda's husband Bob Cahow.

Hi everyone,

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I am now in Iraq and I am doing just fine. We arrived here a few days ago. I think on the 4th. I kind of lose track of time since I've been oversees. It's not as warm as people think here. It only gets to the 70's here is the day and it drops down the the 30's or 40's at night. As for now my mailing address will not change.
It might change in the future, but as for now it is:

SPC Robert Svoboda
Cco 1-128 1st Platoon
Fob O'Ryan
APO AE 09392

Thanks for all of your support, and I will keep you posted whenever possible.

Take care,

Robb

Thanks for everything you're doing Robb, Bob, Pat, and everyone else who will spend their holidays ensuring a brighter future for those who have been persecuted in Iraq and Afgahnistan. Merry Christmas.

Our boys are gettin' it done in Iraq. My buddy Bob (below) said the story about tacking armor on to their vehicles is mostly true. Of course, once it's on, they have to make sure it is camoflauged. The link to the full picture is below Bob's picture.

From Bob:

Pics of the LMTV that I commanded and a 5 ton with trailer crossing a temp bridge over a small part of the Euphraties River. The original had been destroyed.

You've gotta love the slogan!

Write a funny kids book - have Claude illustrate it.

Blackfive reports a story of a soldier who knew he was going to die, and included a country song in a letter to his squad the day before his death:

Dear 1st Squad,

If you’re reading this, then I’ve died for our country. I just hope it wasn’t for nothing.

After the IED went off yesterday, I wanted to write this in case something happens to me. There are a few more letters that I’d like you to give my wife and family.

I’d like to have a military funeral, but, if you can work please make sure that Toby Keith’s “American Soldier” is played at the ceremony in addition to the bagpipes. If they won’t let it happen, that’s ok, thanks for trying……

I know that all the belongings I have here will go to Melissa, but there are a few more things I’d like for you guys to make sure she gets. I have a dog tag w/ our picture on it along w/ some pictures and an American flag in my left breast pocket. There is also a can that says “Son” on it that Melissa’s parents gave me that I’d like for them to have, and that angel stone should go to her grandma and grandpa Snow.

Now if I died w/ blue eyes (one blew that way and one blew the other way) and there’s nothing really left of me, that’s ok, I know you meant well.

Alright, enough with the dead guy’s last request, there’s a lot of thank you’s I wanna say to you fellas……

Get the full story at Blackfive.

Cat Brooks will be playing American Soldier at Noon on Wednesday in honor of this soldier, and all of our country's soldiers.

It is no wonder that 1.) the price of stamps is going up, and 2.) more people don't apply for college.

Get a load of this garbage.

In order to apply for (my 3rd go-round at) college, I need my transcripts from my stint at UW-Whitewater. In order for UWW to release my transcripts I need to complete an “exit interview” from my previous federal college loan (which was paid off 3 years ago). In order to take the exit interview I need a federal pin number. In order to get the pin number I need to fill out an online application. After the application I have to wait 1 to 3 days to receive the pin number via e-mail.

That's a lot of screwing around just to get them to put my application in their inbox.

After I fill out the exit interview, UWW will remove the hold from my account. At that point they will mail my transcripts (via the USPS) to UW-Washington County. UWWC will in turn mail the transcripts to Madison (via the USPS) to have them looked over, then Madison will mail them back (via the USPS) with the approval/disapproval mark.

Luckily I didn't attend any other UW system schools.

Here is the kicker. It has been 5 days since I filled out the pin number application. I called the federal student loan office to ask if they could expedite the process so I can get the ball rolling. They said that their system shows the pin number was sent today (12/13). I explained that I have not yet received the e-mail. They told me to check my e-mail again and call back “in a few hours” if I still have not received it. The e-mail never came. I then called back and they said “oh, it says we sent it today, which means you should receive the e-mail in 1 to 3 business days.”

“3 DAYS TO RECEIVE AN E-MAIL????” I gasped.

“Uh-huh.”

I told the young lady at the federal student loan system that they “sure make it hard to go back to school.” She said, “we really do.”

I guess to keep postal workers employed they are delaying government e-mails by 3 days to show how efficient the USPS really is.

3 DAYS??? That's pathetic.

Owen agrees with me (on more than one occasion). The Wheat / Rye Guy doesn't. Like Mike Elliott always says - if everybody likes you, you're vanilla.

triticale doesn't approve of my song picking skills - but he does earn a spot on my “Friends of the Show” list.

Thanks, by the way, for the pingback/trackback suggestion.