For the record, if there was a “zero-tolerance policy” on drawing guns back when I was in school, I definitely would have been expelled.

From Local6.com:

A second-grader’s drawing of a stick figure shooting a gun earned him a school suspension.

Kyle Walker, 7, was suspended for violating Dennis Township Primary School’s zero-tolerance policy on guns, the boy’s mother, Shirley McDevitt, told The Press of Atlantic City.

Kyle gave the picture to another child on the school bus, and that child’s parents complained about it to school officials, McDevitt said. Her son told her the drawing was of a water gun, she said. A photocopy of the picture provided by McDevitt showed two stick figures with one pointing a crude-looking gun at the other, the newspaper said.

I used to draw little Rambo guys with guns all the time. See, some people might not realize this, but that’s what boys do. It doesn’t mean that they’re going to haul off and kill a bus load of kids, it just means that they are boys, and they have testosterone, and that’s how boys roll.

Mark my words, the emasculation of our male population by these new social rules will be the downfall of American society. We’re not allowed to compete, we’re not allowed to be hunt, we’re not allowed to get angry with anybody, and pretty soon it’s going to turn America into “The Land of the Free, The Home of the Puss.”

I pray we’re not there already.

I’ve done a lot of reading on masculine/feminine polarity, and I’m convinced that this whole American femininity movement is the underlying cause of most divorces in America. Men and women are men and women for a reason. Men are becoming more feminine, and women more masculine to even out the balance. It creates a doldrum which leads women to believe that they don’t need men to thrive, and men to become repulsed by their women.

With divorce comes more boys and girls being raised solely by their mommas. That, in turn, leads to more feminine boys and more girls who are reinforced with the notion that they can raise kids without the need of a father. The cycle amplifies.

I’m not sure what the solution is, but I’m guessing that suspending a 7-year-old boy for drawing a stick figure with a gun is not going to help grow his masculinity.

Just when I thought I was going to look like a dope and fail to hit the “1 a week” Wisconsin reference on the homepage of CNN.com, the great people of my state come through.  1 good (maybe not so, but good that it was prevented) and one “off-beat”. 

CNN.com Game Scoring
————————

1) 09/06/2006 “Grave robbing perverts”
2) 09/08/2006 “11-year old sexually assaulted by 20 boys”
3) 09/15/2006 Wisconsin police stop ‘Columbine waiting to happen’
4) 09/15/2006 Wisconsin farm produces third white buffalo

Have you ever noticed that everytime there is a hailstorm there is always somebody on the news holding the hail in a Tupperware container?

I’m surprised that Tupperware hasn’t come up with a special “hail holder” series yet. I mean, they have everything else in the world.  Just do it, Tupperware, I dare you. (and if you make any money off of it, spiff some my way )

Sure, I want to be protected from paying high, unneeded taxes, but for a Taxpayer Protection Amendment to truly protect taxpayers, it should protect us from gun-toting criminals as well. Why can’t the TPA include the right to carry concealed weapons? Think about it, we could roll the two most liberally hated bills (a close third would be school choice) into one and solve a lot of issues at once. They might as well. I mean, Doyle will veto anything that says “taxpayer” or “right” or “conceal” anyway - so why not send a big F.U. to Bobblehead Doyle by creating the “True Taxpayer Protection Amendment.”

It’s a stretch… but of course, most of My Theories are.

Their Theory: If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops, oh what a rain that would be.

My Theory: If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops, think of how high our body shop bills would be…

…and how fat we would be.
…and how long it would take FEMA to respond to a gum-nado.
…and how bad your back would hurt after shoveling the driveway.

I’ll stick with water, thank you.

I saw a woman, at 10AM yesterday, buying a 30-pack of Natural Light “beer.” It was at that moment that I realized that there is no other purpose on this planet for drinking Natural Light, or Natural Ice for that matter, except for getting drunk. That “beer” tastes more like a mixture of Milorganite and a cup of MMSD treated “water.”

Therefore, if you drink Natrual Light, you’re an alcoholic… and it’s My Theory that you should seek help.

Their Theory: General relativity (GR) is the geometrical theory of gravitation published by Albert Einstein in 1915. It unifies special relativity and Isaac Newton’s law of universal gravitation with the insight that gravitation is not viewed as being due to a force (in the traditional sense) but rather a manifestation of curved space and time, this curvature being produced by the mass-energy content of the spacetime.

My theory: When packed in a small, non-curved space (read: house), time will seem to stand deadly still. Then your uncle’s dog will throw up on the carpet.

Their Theory: Feed a Cold, Starve a Fever
My Theory: Feed ‘em both and they’ll equal out in the end… plus you won’t be hungry.

I don’t smoke. Okay, sometimes when I’m at a bar with friends I smoke, but I don’t smoke on a regular basis. In fact, I hate the smell of smoke when I’m eating. There is a family restaurant in West Bend that I don’t even go to anymore because the smell of smoke is so bad that I can’t stand it.

That being said, I think that bans on smoking are downright silly! If you don’t like smoke at a restaurant, go to a different restaurant. If enough people don’t go to a particular restaurant because of the smoke, eventually the owner will have to make a policy change - but, that change is his/her choice. We don’t need a law to say, “you can’t smoke in restaurants/bars.” Vote with your wallet. Take your money elsewhere if you don’t like it. I’m sure there are bars in town that you wouldn’t take your kids, anyway. Why should they lose business because you don’t like smoke?

I have to say that so far, WordPress rocks compared to pMachine and I even paid for that program because I thought that I had to! I didn’t. And… it wasn’t as good as WordPress.

If you have any comments on FuzzMartin 4.0 - let me know in the comments section of this post. What do you think? What does FuzzMartin.com need? What doesn’t it need? And don’t say “pr0n” by either one of those… unless you’re talking about gun pr0n like Boots and Sabers.

Everytime I smell that distinct smell of Febreeze - the first thing that comes to mind is, “Gee, something here must have stunk.” Then my mind goes to, “what could it have been that stunk so badly that simply cleaning it didn’t work? Did somebody poo here? Is my host’s normal odor that bad that he can’t stand even the smell of himself? How long did that couch stink? Am I sitting in “Linen and Skyâ„¢” covered urine? Sick!”

If it’s Febreezed, it’s stinky. But that’s just My Theory.

I decided I to bring back the “My Theory” category of articles. This was my first-ever blog category back in 2002. It was a lot of fun… and I hope it is again.

But that’s just my theory.

A woman in Phoenix was stuck with a $367 fine because she attempted to claim her unborn fetus was a “passenger” in her car, and therefore she qualified to drive in the carpool lane. The judge in the case, using a “common sense definition,” said that “the law is meant to fill an empty seat.” In the end, the woman had to pay the fine.

My theory is this: carpooling only occurs when more than one licensed driver is in the same vehicle. I don’t think that you should be able to use your children as excuses to drive in the carpool lane. I don’t think you should even be able to use your 90 year old, unlicensed grandmother as a carpool-lane pass. The idea behind “carpooling” is to cut down on the number of vehicles on the road. Your five year old can’t drive. Your grandmother can’t drive, either. So, when they’re in the car with you, you’re not actually cutting down on the number of cars on the road.

Exception: when you pick up somebody else’s children to take them to, say, hockey practice, then you ARE cutting down on the number of cars on the road, and therefore should be able to use the carpool lane.

I love this quote from the judge in this case: “[Allowing this] would require officers to carry guns, radios and pregnancy testers, and I don’t think we want to go there.”

Hat tip: Boots and Sabers

I don’t watch Lost, but I have seen enough episodes to have a good outside theory on the show. Here’s my guess:

1.) There was never a REAL plane crash.
2.) The “island” isn’t really an island.
3.) The “others” are really psychologists.
4.) The “island” is really stage for…
5.) …a pyschological experiment.
6.) The show doesn’t have to end because this point can be revealed in the future.
7.) Every hardship on the show is a smaller experiment within the larger picture.
8.) Each individual was picked for the experiment for a certain personality trait of theirs.

I have not heard anybody else with the same theory - of course, I don’t watch the show that often and therefore I don’t hear many theories about the show.

When the push was made to build Miller Park… what was it that Bud said? If you give us a new park, we will build you a winning team. It’s my theory that they Brewers are in breech of contract!

We gave them the park. Major League Baseball gave the Brewers the revenue sharing, yet
the Brewers payroll is still as low as it was during the County Stadium days, and it is as low as some of the lowest in the league.

I ask you this Ulice Payne: “Where is our winning team?” Right now we are on track to lose just as many games as last year. You can’t support a stadium when nobody wants to come and see our version of the Bad News Bears get their butts kicked every night. It is embarrassing to the fans, embarrassing to the city, and embarrassing to the taxpayers who were promised a winning team for their hard-earned money.

If any of you know a good attorney, ask him the details of starting a class action lawsuit against the club. I mean c’mon, this team is ridiculous. Of course, that’s just My Theory.

Choosing a College?
Here’s What you need to know!!!

Well, by now most of you know that I never finished college. What you probably don’t know is that along the way I picked up some pretty important information about Wisconsin colleges.

Now, different colleges have different areas that they specialize in, but here’s my list of where you should go for what, provided you can get accepted.

Your Best Overall Bet:
If you are not planning on living in a van down by the river (Matt Foley), and you have decided that you want to do something special with your life, I would recommend what I feel is the the Best Overall School in the State: Marquette University!

Not only is a degree from Marquette a virtual shoe-in for a job, but you will find MU’s campus to be a hotbed for fun and excitement. This is a classy campus, and if you compare Marquette’s campus to any of the other campuses in the state, you will only find one that even comes close to Marquette’s style and elegance.

One of the drawbacks to getting an education from MU is definitely the cost of an education. It basically costs more for one year of education at Marquette as it does for 4 years at some of the lesser state schools. (i.e., UW-Stevens Point)

If you can afford it, and your grades are good enough to get you in, do yourself a favor and go to college at Marquette!!!

Best Bet if You’re a Hippie:
Originally, this was the college that I was planning on attending. The problem: I got into radio!

Madison is in my opinion, the 2nd best college in the state. Some would argue that it is the best, and they could be right… what do I know, I dropped out!!! What I do know is that UW-Madison is known for its liberal views, scientific studies, and extreme lack of parking.

Some say that Madison is the best party campus in the nation. I’ve seen some good parties in Madtown, but that’s not what you’re going to college for, right? If you go to class and get your degree from Madison, the sky’s the limit. Heck, you might even be good enough to not get into radio! Of course anything past 8th grade qualifies you for that!!!

Best Cheap School:
The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee is the best non-Marquette or Madison school. An education from UWM is a lot cheaper than MU or UW-Madison, and you can fool people from out of state by telling them that you go to UWM. They might think you mean Madison and that you were rich enough and smart enough to go there!

UWM is a great school if you’re looking for a good education. The school isn’t as classy as Marquette or Madison, but a degree from UWM still looks good in whatever field you are going into. Besides, there are still plenty of parties to attend and social functions to keep you busy if that is what you are looking for.

Best Nursing School:
They say that UW-Oshkosh is the best nursing school in the state. Guys, that means that there are the most young nurses at UW-Oshkosh! Okay gentlemen, if you are still not “picking up what I’m putting down,” that means there is a nice selection of co-eds to choose from at UWO.

Don’t get me wrong, nursing isn’t just for women. So to be politically correct ladies, there are a bunch of guys on campus, too. In fact, the ratio is probably 50/50.

Best Chance to Pick Up Women:
If your are just going to college to pick up chicks… Alverno is the college you need to attend. The only problem will be getting in, you see, Alverno is an all women’s college. That means that you will have to dig deep in your sister’s make-up bag to make yourself eligible to attend this college.

That does it for my 2003 college guide. In reality, if I were you I would go and tour as many campuses as you can. Besides, most high schools give you a free day off if you can prove to them that you are going on a campus tour. Take advantage of it.

Remember, most of the contents on this site are about as full of B.S. as a pen at the local beef barn, but all of it is just My Theory!!!

After weeks upon weeks of watching Joe Schmuck Marriott torment and lie to those innocent women I found myself actually getting sick! I mean, first of all I am a busy man! I have to go to work every morning. I am planning a wedding. I am working on this website… oh and I have this little show to do!!! But what did I do? I sat around every Monday and Thursday watching Evan, Paul, and the cast of dimwits do what every reality show has done. They lead you to believe there is actually going to be something interesting on the show, only to tell you exactly what you thought was going to happen.

For instance, when Paul said that there would be a twist to the story, the entire world knew that Evan and the floozy of his choice were going to get some cash. I was actually disappointed that they only got $1 Million. I thought for sure that they would get $50 Million. When you think of it, there were 13 shows, and they had the #1 television show in the nation. Each Friends cast member gets $1 Million per show, so that’s $7 Million per episode. Multiply that by 13 episodes and you have $91 Million. So Fox is still bringing in $41 Million more than they would had they hired the cast of Friends to do the show. Imagine Ross as Joe Millionaire… of course, he is a millionaire, so the show would have had no point.

Will I watch reality TV shows ever again? Heck yes! Why? The same reason I watch NASCAR. For the crashes. Of course, that’s just My Theory!

Here’s how it is. The whole “Sarah Kozer was the star of light bondage films” thing is a load of malarkey. Fox either:

Knew about it all along
or
[pic omitted in archive]
Staged it
[pic omitted in archive]

Here’s why I feel this way. First of all, any broadcasting network that does one of these “reality” tv shows makes you sign a waiver, allowing them to know everything about you, and change things about your past that they might not like. My close friend Amanda Wild tried out for American Idol, and before she even auditioned she had to sign a waiver stating that the network could change her appearance, background information, name, or any information which would make her character more appealing to the audience. That being said, Fox knew she has starred in bondage films. If they didn’t like that about her, they would have never let her on the show. That means they thought that the publicity would help them through the February sweeps and either chose to keep her, or made up the whole story to make it more intriguing. (That’s when the tv ratings books come out.)

Evidence of Malarkey

The photo of Sarah Kozer on Fox’s website has her in this green turtleneck number. (See above photo, p.s. I am color blind, so forgive me if my colors are wrong) Conincidentally, or not, this is the same exact shirt she is wearing in the bondage pictures. (see below)

On Thursday night, 01/31/03, when Joe gave Sarah the ruby necklace he said… and I quote:
“I’m really begining to like Sarah, we’ve BONDED”

Okay, if that is not a little bit suspicious, then I don’t know what suspicious means. Espescially knowing that the show is taped months in advance and he said that on the same day that the “news” came out about the films.
This whole Joe Millionaire thing is a scam to begin with, but that’s why I like it, and watch it all the time. Either way you look at it, it’s showbiz… and that’s just my theory.

For years now, country stars have been switching their music slowly but surely to pop. If you need examples, please pick up any copy of any Shania, Faith Hill, Diamond Rio, Lonestar, or Garth Brooks CD. Remember the Chris Barnes thing?

Well now some pop/rock/rap stars are getting smart. Namely Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. With the advent of “Picture,” Kid Rock comes on to the country music scene with a hit right out of the good-ole-days of country. The song is complete with a cheating husband, “fillin’ up on cocaine and whiskey,” and a spouse who’s had enough, and decides to cheat herself. The song really reminds me of Waylon and Jessie’s “Honky Tonk Angels.”

As for Sheryl Crow, not only is she found on Kid Rock’s new hit, but she also sings backup for the Dixie Chicks “Landslide.”

I don’t mind the onslaught of pop stars into country music, just as long as the country theme remains the same… but that’s just My Theory.

My Theory on The Raiders versus the Buccaneers in Superbowl XXXVII Look, it’s like this. You know how you had that one girlfriend in high school that you really liked, and then she broke up with you. Well this is pretty much the story of Jon Gruden going up against his old team January 29th in the Superbowl. Except in Jon’s case, he finds a younger, prettier girlfriend (Warren Sapp?) and takes his new girlfriend to the movies. While at the movies he runs into his old girlfriend, the one who dumped him, and rubs the new catch in her face. I know, Jon and the Bucs haven’t won yet, and it will be a pretty close game, but that’s just My Theory.